Cerise was a single being of many minds, each one distinct, unique, and beautiful in their own right. When we first met, I got to have the privilege of getting to know him as a friend, but when he came back to the program, I came to know many of them as family.

When Cerise went out many months ago I held my breath for his return, he was given some advice that he had heard a million times which led to his belief that he was simply incompatible with a life of recovery. When I finally heard from him about 8 months had passed, but I finally got to tell him that he was missed, that the naysayers were wrong and that, if he wanted, I would be there to show him another path. While I thought I was offering my energy to another with no path to expectation, I would never have imagined the gift I would receive in becoming their sponsor.

I say "their" because during our second or third conversation they revealed to me that they have DID, and I distinctly recall their fear and hesitation as they expected me to be thrown by it, and immediately started to offer concession, saying things like "it's okay to just call me Cerise," and so on. In that moment I didn't hesitate when I asked who I was speaking to and she told me it was Aerial. I had known nothing about DID, my only exposure to such things were through films that depict the disorder in horrific light. So I chose in that moment to set aside my biases and ask them to share their story, and I chose simply to believe it. It turns out this was an opportunity they had never been given in recovery, and yet it was a gift to myself as well. I not only got to learn of the life of Cerise, but also of Aerial, Marcene and Vera as well.

I started working with Aerial, talking about recovery, the rules that worked and the rules that had failed all of them in the past. We built systems which accommodated her recovery while respecting everyone else who shared their body and was not in recovery, and in doing so, three weeks into our newfound friendship, she asked if she could call me her sponsor. Up until that point we had been using the phrase "accountability friend" to avoid her feelings towards the program that had failed her so many times. That was the moment I realized my life had changed forever. Through nothing but kindness and a willingness to believe this person; they came to believe they could recover, and in that time I came to believe I could help someone in spite of what I saw as horrific flaws in myself.

Up until that point I had adamantly fought back against my sponsors ideas and suggestions of me becoming a sponsor. I simply thought of myself as Incapable of fulfilling such a role in anyone's life, but Aerial opened the door for me, and, in a way, held my hand as I stumbled through it.

Marcene was a very shy girl, Aerial told me at one point that she would like to talk to me but was afraid, she didn't talk to anyone outside of their system. However a few weeks back she reached out, told me it was her, that she had saw what I was giving to Aerial and asked if I could offer her the same. Without hesitation I agreed and began to once more be blessed with a new story, new life, new memories unknown to Aerial but lived by Marcene, new struggles, and while the voice came from the same body I realized I had two friends in Cerise. We spoke of different hobbies, different experiences, and now different recoveries.

I did not walk this path independently, I know another in recovery with DID and I credit her, Sunny, for being there to help me in moments when the literature could not be applied to this magically enchanted person. It is simply not written in a compatible manner. With her help, myself, Mercene and Aerial all began to work as a team. Aerial had described a war zone in her mind where everyone was always bidding for power and control. However, through our work, for the first time as sense of unity formed. Aerial explained her joy of knowing she had allies not just in myself and other recovering addicts, but also within. One simply cannot explain the deep humanity I had the gift of witnessing that day.

While we knew they were terminally ill, Aerial saw this as an irrelevant factor that she wanted to recover in spite of. So our goal became very different than the goals of most recovering addicts. It wasn't about getting clean to stay alive, it was about dying with as much clean time as possible. They told me they likely had 2 years to live, and I knew we weren't going to get through the 12 steps and change everything to live on as most addicts who find success in recovery do. So instead I made a decision that so long as they lived I would be there to support them, and so long as they were going to die, we would aim to do so with as much recovery as possible. While they passed yesterday and I am devastated to have lost several cherished friends, long before we had expected, I am not sad that they have passed on. I know they are no longer suffering from their ailments, and I know we accomplished something beautiful.

Cerise came back to us with, in their words, no hope of recovery, and no sense of belonging. As of yesterday Cerise, Aerial, Vera, Marcene, and likely many more equally brilliant lives parted our world knowing they were loved, that they had people to call family, and a place to call home.

May the body of Cerise, and the many lives of everyone within lay in peace, while living on in comfort and in the memories of those who remain today. They are gone, but will never be forgotten.

Beloved founder of the Transgender Area of Narcotics Anonymous, passed May 4, 2024 after a long struggle.